Next Food Network Star - Week 5 Recap
It never ceases to surprise me when reality show contestants act like they've never seen a reality show before. You pretty much see that on every season of Survivor. But "Next Food Network Star" takes ignorance one step further: I don't think these guys have ever watched the FOOD NETWORK before. The show has been a glorious trainwreck from the very first episode, but tonight was abolutely the best/worst: Our contestants had two challenges that got them in front of the camera. And much to the delite of every other Food Network hopeful, they ALL BOMBED. And I don't mean "they messed up", I mean they sucked so hard it would give HEIDI FLEISS a toothache. The main task tonight was making a 5-minute cooking demo featuring the one ingredient each of them hated more than any other.
For anyone that watches, but missed it, here's a quick recap of how bad our guys did:
JAG - Tofu
Josh Adam Garcia is the most dangerous man on TV. At any given point, I completely believe he could wig out and slit his cameraman's throat. Besides dropping his tofu all over the floor and trying to make a 45-minute meal in 5 minutes, I try to imagine what his cooking show would be like. I think it would be a lot like the the movie "American Psycho". I mean, who among us does not enjoy listening to "Fore" by Huey Lewis?
Paul - Lima Beans
You know what? I like him until I want to run him over. I mean, he seems like such a sweet guy. Until he starts talking. Unfortunately, I think he's ultimately going to be the winner. The Food Network needs an in-house effemenate guy with Left-Coast sensibilities. Here's the part that scares me the most, though. He said that the thing he's most afraid of is being on camera. Umm, Paul? You know what, nevermind...
Rory - Goat Cheese
I can't tell when she's funnier: It's either when she tries to explain her show concept (which changes every episode), or when she's eating sugar cubes out of Bob Tuschman's hand. And before you think I'm being too mean, you wanna know what I found out today? This is Rory's SECOND reality show!!! She's apparently making the rounds of basic cable on-camera contests - She was runner-up on CMT's "Popularity Contest". And where was it held? Vega, Texas.. where she now lives and is opening a restuarant. There's nothing worse than a desperate celeb-wannabee. You know what else is weird? The food she wrote down as her least favorite was "goat cheese", but then later she mentioned that she owns a billy goat. Maybe if she's been trying to milk him, it explains her aversion to its cheese. Gross.
Amy - Bok Choi
If I were Adrian, who got the boot this week, I'd be P-I-S-S-E-D. Amy apparently forgot her entire script, cried like 5 times, and even told the judges that she wanted to go home! AND THEY STILL KEPT HER. I bet it's because she reminds them of Margot Kidder, from the original Superman movies:
And, this week's BIG FAT LOSER:
Adrian - Minitaure Corn
Hollee craptacular! Adrian was a big fat liar. He said he had a basic cable cooking show. There's no possible way he could be that bad and be a 3-year TV vet. Look, I SUCK on camera and compared to him, I'm Lawrence Olivier. His food was awful, his personality has been recently passed by the FDA as a non-addicting sleep-aid. and before anyone gets smart, it's not that I think I'm superior to him. He was a little smug bastard during the episode, going on and on about how he was at an advantage because he was a "TV personality", and even after his disasterous performance, he told everyone that he was near-perfect in his delivery. Hopefully you've perfected the art of getting through airport security, to make your flight home easier. Dope.
After this episode, the Food Network guys have to be asking themselves how bad a choice they made with this bunch. I say that because, to paraphrase, Bob Tuschman said to the other judges, "I wonder if we made a bad choice with this bunch."
I don't know if the show's going to get any better, but I know where I'M going to be glued next Sunday night! Viva La Food Network!