The Food Network Sucks - Part 1

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Oh c'mon... this pic is freakin' funny! 

There used to be a time, you know, back in the days when MTV played actual VIDEOS, when I told people (with almost a snooty pride) that I watched the “Food Network”.  It was the first of its’ kind, and it had all the quirkiness of producing television on a shoe-string.  But somewhere along the line, they sold out.  And sold out HARD.  The other day I was home from work watching a mini-Food Network marathon from my couch, and it came to me: God, the Food Network really, really sucks.

Sure you might think “you’re JUST figuring this out?”, but I’m serious.  I saw a commercial for “Next Iron Chef”, or whatever-the-hell-it-is, and just the idea that they ripped off their OWN “Next Food Network Star”, all because, what, ratings were up?  Now they’re going to produce 50 other contest shows?  Won’t that pre-empt their 50 cake decoration competitions that I already couldn’t give a crap about?

And all that led me to think about the Food Network’s current programming, and how it might best be served showing it to Michael Vick to de-program him ala “Clockwork Orange”:

30-Minute Meals/Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels

Man, I could talk about Rachael Ray for hours.  But I suppose the real problem is: where to start?  Her voice that sounds like Lucille Ball (you know, at the end of her life when the cigarettes were ready to take her home to Jesus)?  Her jet-black Elvira hair?  Her Popeye-worthy facial ticks?  Or her “please punch me in the solar-plexus” personality?  Nah, I’ll stick to the EASY targets… her shows.  Ever since she got that gig on network TV after washing Oprah’s limousine fleet, 30-Minute Meals has gone from awful to unwatchable.  You can tell 100% that she just doesn’t give a damn any more.  And ever since she “remodeled” her kitchen-set, I have to wear sunglasses to keep from going blind.  Newsflash, Rach, fluorescent orange is great for Chuck-E-Cheese, but your kitchen should NOT look like a Barbie Playset.

Next up, Tasty Travels – “Tasty Travels” makes me laugh, because you just KNOW they changed the name from “$40 a Day” because they got tired of people complaining that she was making up her prices.  True story, my boss went to Greece, and went to the places Rachael Ray visited on “$40 a Day”, and told me the prices were 2 to 3 TIMES what she claimed them to be on her show.  Don’t be a liar, you jerk.  Maybe she should stay closer to home, so her husband doesn’t have to keep frequenting prostitutes to spit in his face (I read that in a tabloid somewhere, really).

Paula’s Party

Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson, Paula Deen.  Figure it out.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the premise of this show is “Watch Paula Deen stuff her face with food for 30 minutes, interrupted only by her sexually harassing male audience members that are 1/3 her age.”  And what’s worse, I saw an episode the other day where she had these freaky ice-sculptors that ripped off the Blue Man Group, only they were WHITE.  Stuff like that always pisses me off, ever since I paid top dollar to watch “Cirque Dreams”, only to find out they had absolutely NOTHING to do with “Cirque Du Soleil”.  I went for art, and ended up seeing America’s Got Talent rejects.  Bastards.  Can’t wait for next week when Paula shows us how to change her adult sons’ diapers.  I swear to God, Roscoe and Cletus Deen need to disappear from my TV ASAP.  And please, Paula, let your husband go back to work at the North Pole.  Think of the children and their toys!

Giada’s Weekend Getaways

I swear to you, those hands are photoshop-free.  I only messed with the head.  Those are some freaky hands.  Go on, admit it.

Remember when Giada used to cook on her “cooking show”?  Yeah, it seems the Food Network told her, “scrap the food, just get your 12-year-old body in a bikini, STAT!”.  It’s sad that they sacrificed one of their most popular shows to becoming a Maxim-Photo-Shoot-wine-reduction.  While there’s no denying Giada’s got an awesome body, I can’t help but notice that her head looks like it belongs on a woman twice her size.  Think of how developed her neck muscles must be to keep that huge melon on her shoulders!

I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead.  Maybe you think I’m being too hard on them.  But forgive me, I just don’t think that “celebrity” is a paying gig, there needs to be some sort of talent or effort to back it up.  Celebrities today all seem to think that just showing up is newsworthy.  Whether it’s that “Death-Pool Lock” Britney Spears, Rachael Ray refusing to interact with the audience on “RR”, or that hack Ashlee Simpson lip-synching on SNL, no one WORKS for their fame.  I’ll watch your Food Shows, Cushman.  I’ll even view your commercials so you can get paid from your advertisers, but don’t think I’m showing up because I have nowhere else to go.    There’s a little thing called the “INTERNETS” now, and their programming is starting to kick the crap out of yours.  Be warned.

Thanks, everyone!  I’ll write more soon!

 

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8 Comments

butterbites's picture
bravo! you rock dude/gal. So cool to have you on the site! I dislike Food Network too.
shantihhh's picture
Hummmmm, I am sorry you are so bitter at such a young age. There is plenty of room in the world for all of us and our choices. FoodTV has changed greatly-just ask their new femal prez who is working hard to eliminate real cooking and giving their target audiennce what it wants. Boyz 15 to 35 are the main viewers according to the stats-interesting, eh. Paula appeals as she is the grandma type stuffing folks. Giada has nice levage and Rachel ar** appeals to many a guy. Now what is interesting Rachel is NOT on the HD feed of FoodTV which is their future. Paula is, but they need to cover those age spots-not pretty. Emeril is pure showmanship-boring to moi, but I am one of those that loved Tony Bourdain and the series of that young Indian Model-chef-actress from Kerela Padma Lakshmi. http://www.foodandwine.com/articles/top-chef-host-padmas-indian-cooking I much prefer the HD feed for FoodTV but much prefer PBS and Discovery Channel-watch out FoodTV there are others who think and actually cook. They are watching other channels.
CookingMyWay's picture
Wow - hot topic... Even though I'm not a big fan of many of the shows on the FTV I will agree they have done a lot for cooking on tv. I thought it was funny that it took JAG saying something about them not having any representation from the Latin community to get them to start a show - Daisy cooks - I haven't seen it but I bet it's as overproduced as most of their shows. These days the only show I really watch on there is Feeding on Asphalt and that's because not only am I a foodie but a motorcyclist as well. I could really care less on the other shows anymore....
Hyde.Ray's picture
I love Rachel Ray! She got style. Paula, however, should be fired. Too old. Giada shows too much - you know. Don't know how old she is, but she gotta relax now. Shantihhh you are right. Its too bad that everyone is after Boyz 15 to 35.
Culinaire's picture
speaking of showing too much.........................
Chef PJ's picture
I must admit it, I'm now totally 'anti-celebrity Chef'. From "Throw-up with Bobby Flay" to that no-neck idiot Emeril. The only decent people left in the TV line-up are Ming Tsai and Tyler Florence. The rest are utterly worthless. Yes, that includes the twangy-talking Southern-fried hag 'Dizzy' Deen, the queen of leftovers.
Semaj's picture
Food network has lost touch with it's core viewers.It used to be a channel for people that were serious about food.Now it's just a platform for more mindless reality crap and a bunch of submissive, stepford wive types.Paula Deen, you and you feminine assed sons, make me want to vomit. Rachel Ray,I used to want to do you,now I just want you to shut up and go away. I could go on and on but why?
Gene B.'s picture
I share your perspective. I enjoyed older shows like "Two Fat Ladies" and "Too Hot Tomales" to name a couple. The original "Iron Chef" from Japan was a piss because of the English dubbing. As for the current programming, I like anything with Alton Brown & I must admit I like Chopped. Enough with the 1400lb. burgers & bizare challenges.