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Are you a fatso?

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Are You a Fatso???

by Marilyn Wann

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You may think that all it takes to be a fatso is a few extra pounds, some cellulite, maybe a jowl or two. Pinch an inch and you're in the club. No, no, no, Chicamundi! If being a fatso were easy, what would become of the $30 billion diet industry? The fatso life takes attitude, it takes existential credentials (the kind that come from being an outcast and fighting self-hatred at the same time). It takes laughing at Jenny Craig commercials and voting for the fat Elvis and still for some reason lying about your weight on your driver's license. Find out if you've got what it takes to be a fabulous fatso! Take the first-ever FAT!SO? Quiz...No cheating now.

1. In grammar school, when we played kickball, I was chosen...
a. First.
b. Last.
c. Somewhere in the middle.
d. None of the above. I faked an illness to get out of playing.

2. When we have sex, my lover...
a. Complains that my bones keep poking.
b. Says I'm sexy, as long as I don't gain weight.
c. Makes hippopotamus jokes.
d. Delights in my body just the way it is.

3. If a clothing store has nothing that fits me, I...
a. Leave feeling worthless and depressed.
b. Try on the one oversized garment they have that barely fits me
and buy it even if it's ugly.
c. Tell the clerk I prefer muumuus anyway.
d. Come back with a flamethrower.

4. I drink Diet Coke because...
a. It tastes so good.
b. I'm a big Paula Abdul fan.
c. People might look at me funny if I drink something with food value.
d. I want to commune with lab rats.

5. I would pay four bucks for a headset on the airplane if they showed...
a. Anything with Kim Basinger.
b. The Cindy Crawford workout.
c. Misery.
d. Old Roseanne episodes.

6. When I see fat people, I want to...
a. Vomit.
b. Suggest a diet, because I am so concerned for their health.
c. Congratulate myself for being skinny and therefore superior.
d. Give them a smile because I know how brave they must be.

7. When I see waif-like supermodel Kate Moss, I want to...
a. Vomit three times a day to make myself just like her.
b. Suggest a nutritional diet, because I am so concerned for her health.
c. Congratulate her for doing such a lifelike impression of a stick figure.
d. Give her a National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance brochure.

8. Me, fat? I would rather...
a. Die.
b. Not think about it. It gives me the creeps.
c. Spend thousands of dollars on diet products and hundreds of hours at
the gym every year. And still live in fear of that extra five pounds.
d. Accept it and get on with LIFE.

9. I feel good about myself when...
a. My jeans fit.
b. My weight matches the actuarial chart.
c. What a silly question. I'll never be skinny enough to feel
good about myself.
d. I can block out the message that fat people are worthless and listen
instead to my own truth.

10. My ideal lover is...
a. Slim, physically fit, trim, petite, thin, skinny, athletic, and small-boned.
b. A financially secure non-smoker who enjoys sunset walks on the beach.
c. Into mountain biking, hiking, rollerblading, and the occasional marathon.
d. Built for comfort, not for speed.

11. When I go to the fridge for a snack, my mother says...
a. "You aren't going to eat that, are you?"
b. "You don't need that. Put it back."
c. "Are you eating again!"
d. "Bring me some, too, dear."

12. I hate fat people because...
a. They smell.
b. They don't look like me.
c. It's hard for me to look at them; they just aren't normal.
d. NOT! There's no earthly reason to hate fat people.

13. I love fat people because...
a. They're so jolly.
b. I feel skinny when I'm with them.
c. They're nurturing.
d. I understand them.

14. My favorite song lyrics are...
a. "She wore an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka dot bikini."
b. "She's got legs. She knows how to use them."
c. "Nobody's gettin' fat exept Mama Cass."
d. "R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me."

15. My bumper sticker says...
a. No Fat Chicks!
b. Jazzercize!
c. Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
d. Save the Whales!

Answers: D is the fabulous fatso response in each case. 1B and 5C are OK, too.

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Are You A Fatso?